Who am I? An admittedly self-indulgent question which has no applicable use outside of the retrospective esteem in which I hold my past actions. "Who am I" is nothing. Yet "Who am I" is the foundational query of history. History, the eternally infernally finite road map without end, to the human soul. Perhaps I can find direction for the future, in my past.
1. I am naturally inclined to be moved by stories. Whether or not I recognize the fictitious nature of a narrative is irrelevant, I find myself being affected on a visceral level by the myriad forms of tale-craft.
2. I seek a leader. I do not have within myself the primal fire, ambition or stamina of invention to truly embolden the souls of other men, and I seek one who does. It is written in my actions, it is expressed in the stories I hear reflected in my deeds, and it is now laid bare for the world to see.
3. I seek a leader, but I do not seek to be a follower. A strange distinction, even to my own mind, yet all the same there it is. I have ever been unable to follow an order for my own good, if it goes against my own good. I was born to be a Lieutenant in some great and noble man's army, only to find Greatness laid to ruin and Nobility a victim of social exsanguination.
4. I cannot lead, but in battle. So long as the business at hand is the business of open hands, I am poorly set to task. So long as the business at hand is the business of fists however, of conflict or conquest, I am your man.
5. I love deeply those whom I hate. My enemies and torturers of my soul, those who truly challenge and hurt me, are my dearest of confidants. Without the bite of their hands on my life; without the endless struggle they supply me, life would be cheapened.
6. I hate interminably those whom I love. Those who would look to succor me and hold me close, you who care without reason. Your pity for me in my most pitiable of moments...shames me beyond recourse. It shames me because it is a balm which I find myself wanting.
7. I am incorrigibly persistent in my self-indulgences, and unremittingly indifferent to anything I do not freely elect to partake in. Even to my detriment.
8. I will never understand women. I also understand that I will never stop in my tireless endeavor to understand that which I cannot.
9. I am a perfectionist. But only insofar as my own concerns are involved.
10. I am consistently erratic, and solidly fluid in both temperament and opinion. Come to me in a year and read how I hardly recognize the Man who wrote this list.
Perhaps an insight will be gained upon further analysis. Probably not. Self-indulgence has its place.
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